Here we are making it thru the tail end of 2020. In a moment of gratitude, even tho I am on the struggle bus with the Earth Mandated Slow Down from time to time, I am very thankful for the slowdown of it all. I am looking at parts of myself and how I want to do business and create space in a way that I don't think would have happened without the slow down. Or felt as urgent.
I'm appreciating the awe of nature around me. Saw a buck on a walk yesterday in the city limits of Chicago. I had never seen a deer like that, horns like that!, before. And I'm from Iowa.
I'm remembering I am a part of community, and that community values my voice.
I am healing in a deeply profound way. But the roots of BE PRODUCTIVE OR BE NOTHING, still scream at me from time to time. Art needs time and space. Healing needs time and space. Our capitalistic structure doesn't create an opportunity for this kind of individualistic ownership. At least not from the spaces I have experienced it. At least not on a large scale. Yet. There's a reimagining here, a Phoenix song we collectively haven't hit the high notes of yet. A real dismantling. Insert dismantling the patriarchy ramblings I don't have the emotional space for right now.
I am slowly coming back to who I have always been. 12 year old me is very pleased. Pleased that I have, finally, remembered not waning to fit into the box that was already created for me. The loudest label was GIRL. And ANYTHING OTHER THAN STRAIGHT IS BAD. CREATIVITY IS WEIRD. There's a sterile ness about that. A sadness. I can viscerally recall my fashion choices. Farmers overalls and a bold glitter lip before glitter lips were cool. We are talking a farmer left these at Goodwill and I wanted to be subversive before I even understood the word. But the feeling! I understood that.
I also am remembering that I have the power to create community AND my life's path. Maybe that's what this blog/writing is a part of? A space that I'm creating to allow my voice to develop in a different way and ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SEEN. That's a big one.
I hope my ramblings are not just vanity. Are helpful not just to me, but to you reader. As you recall who you are. Not what or who anyone wanted or needed you to be.